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Mushroom Quesadillas [56k no] by diabolik Visit Thread
Today, I am making mushroom quesadillas. Forgive my camera, for it is shittier than my cooking. Let us begin this culinary catastrophe!

Assemble your god damned ingredients, bitches

The ingredients are:
One bag of masa harina mix (or pack of flour tortillas for the lazy-ass version [instructions at the end of the thread])
3 metric tons of Monterey Jack Cheese, pre-shredded for her pleasure
1 onion
2 tomatoes
2 boxes of pre-sliced button mushrooms or crimini mushrooms
One clove of garlic, minced gingerly
An assload of vegetable oil (if you're lazy, only one tablespoon of oil will be used [again, see at the bottom])

Chop up the onion ...

... like this.

I enjoy 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray on the Food Network. When I'm not fantasizing about her using those luscious lips on my Vader helmet, I listen to her cooking tips. Having a little garbage bowl nearby saves valuable time that can be used for say, training your cats in hand-to-hand combat or making a GBS thread about planning to teach English in Japan in 2054.

See the tomato?

Chop it up like it slapped your momma.

Time to make the masa! I use a mix called masa harina, which is finely ground corn and a bit of lime (not the citrus fruit; I mean the white chalky stuff). Masa harina can be found in the Mexican foods section of the ethnic food aisle of your local supermarket. ACHTUNG! There is another kind by Quaker that comes in a brown bag which is used specifically for making tamales, and it makes corn dough that is unusable for this recipe. Stick with this stuff. If you can't find this, there's an alternative coming up later.

4 cups of it, as you can see.

Add to that 2 1/4 cups of warm (WARM, I SAID) water. It's cloudy in this picture because ... never mind. Let's just say I like to surprise my dinner guests.

Mix it in a bowl. Time to get your hands dirty! Mix it up and knead it good! The dough has to be stretchy and the best way to do that is to make that gluten in the corn flour your bitch by kneading the shit out of it. Eventually, you end up with ...


Cover it with a wet paper towel so it doesn't dry out.

Use a little bit of that veggie oil in a hot pan and get started on that garlic.

Onion next. Aromatics get first dibs on the pan because Alton Brown said so and he's the smartest man on television next to Papa Smurf and MacGyver. Add a tiny bit of salt and sweat the onion.



You can cook the mushrooms until they are well cooked and meaty, or not so cooked so that they have a nice, fresh flavor. It's up to you. At this point, I highly recommend taking it off the heat and draining as much of the liquid off as you can. My recommendation is to strain this through a collander. If you don't, you will blow up your kitchen. I'm not kidding.

This is a tortilla press. You can find them online if you Google "tortilla press" and aren't a total moron.

When it's open like this, you might get the urge to stick your testicles on the press and squish them. Fight the urge to do so, unless of course you really have to.

Grab some of the dough and make a little flat ball, about the size of Gwen Stefani's left breast.

A sheet of wax paper (so the dough don't stick) and place the dough into the device.


La tortille est morte. Sacre bleu! At this point, you could throw this on a hot non-stick pan and make the best corn tortilla you've ever had in your life, but not today. No... it has a greater purpose for us raw. More later.

I need a drink after that ordeal. Time for a little refreshment from The Motherland: TEQUILA. AY AY AY. Time to put on some Vicente Fernandez on the boombox full blast and annoy the neighbors!

Oh! First we must get the oil ready. Woosh! Now it's time for boozing.

You can stick your Jose Cuervo up your lily white asses. This is Cazadores (Hunters), from Arandas, Jalisco. Notice the deer logo. I bet it alludes to hunting deer. It is in my opinion the best tequila, aged in oak barrels imported from Kentucky. I like to sip it straight, but it also makes the best margaritas ever. Bottoms up!

EMPTY!?! WHAT MANNER OF ASSHOLERY IS THIS!?! That's me, looking up at God and asking ... why?! I forgot that I used all of it in a tequila-lime marinade (another thread).

A-HA! I still have a bottle of Herradura Reposado. A milder flavor, with a rich bouquet and a heady after taste. Plus it gets you drunker'n shit.

Puta madre. I don't remember drinking all of it. That's awesome, I think.

One sad Latino. Oh well, there's refreshment in the fridge.

Back at the ranch, a little cheese on the masa pancake. Use less than you think you'd need.

A tablespoon of the lizard mixture. I less than three Duran Duran and I don't care who knows it.

Make something like a Hot Pocket. My mom makes them way flat and I haven't found the secret yet, but this works great. Make sure it's sealed and flatten some of the air out if you can. If you leave too much air in there, it will expand quickly and cause your quesadilla to explode all up in your oil. Remember when I said to drain the mixture? If this happens and the mixture is too wet, you'll generate steam, which will create angry oil which will suddenly catch fire. Bad news! Hope you have a fire extinguisher handy!

Very carefully place it into the oil. Don't let go of it until it's about an inch into the oil already or it WILL splash.

Fry fry fry. Flip it once the bottom looks done. You might need to coax it with your frying utensil of choice as it will want to stay down in the oil on one side. Cook until golden brown and delicious.

Keep a paper towel handy to drain them. Voila! DONE! This recipe makes a shitload. Sorry that I don't have better measurements or anything. I can't do math because I went to public school in California.

Maybe you live in a world without Mexicans, and you don't have access to the truly ethnic ingredients and hardware. As promised, there's a version that does not involve masa harina, a tortilla press or a gallon of cooking oil. Make the mixture, have the cheese handy and fire up your George Foreman grill with the griddle section. If you don't have one, a non-stick pan on your stove top works just great.

Warm up a flour tortilla on one side, then flip it. After that first flip, add your fillings. As you can see, I have added a bit of tomatillo sauce. Tomatillos are like tomatoes, but botanically, they are in the same family as Hawaiian gooseberries. If you don't have that handy, Tabasco or chipotle sauce works well, too.

Once the cheese is melted a bit, fold it over and get both sides until it is a little cripsy. Taco Bell ain't got nothin' on you, baby.

Mmmmmmmm. This concludes my first recipe thread. Hope you enjoyed it!

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